You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
