I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This is the high leading the old right now
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
