made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize