I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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