***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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