My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize