I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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