you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
this boner is exhausting
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We smell like vodka and hangover
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