I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
