Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize