I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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