Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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