i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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