The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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