Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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