i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
