My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
