i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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