The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
