I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The cops high fived after they tackled you
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
