Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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