you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Come share oat with me in your robe
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
