i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
