Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
