My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
