I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
