so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
