she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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