His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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