new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
