I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
