I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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