i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
