I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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