Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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