I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
