I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
