Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
