I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize