Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
