Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
