You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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