It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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