So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Welp...herpes.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
