i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize