I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
