I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
