He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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