You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
