i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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