rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
