If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm both gender and math confused
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
