I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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