I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
