Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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