We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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