I could make wine with my vomit
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
