my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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