If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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