It's Friday. Sex?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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