How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
two words...techno handjob
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
