i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize