Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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