I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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